As our heroes embark on journeys through the battle grounds of Afghanistan, and others that journey into the next life, it is us, the common civilians that must journey into ourselves for a bigger purpose, something grander to dedicate our lives to, and perhaps even be the heroes of our own lives.
For me, this means to live my dreams and be true to myself in the face of all adversity. To live my best life and strive to be the best version of myself. This is a challenge to live out with daily obstacles that test my choices and patience.
I have used my hurts, past anger, and insecurities as fuel so far, but I feel a change in me- a need to heal, a need to let go, a need to surrender into the next phase of my life.
Although, there are some benefits to using your sadness and anger as fuel for creation, creativity and motivation that has become used up in me now, a baser form of myself I no longer wish to be. I have discovered a new emotion slowly conjuring itself to the surface- the emotion of love.
Now don't get me wrong and slowly start moving your cursor towards the red x to the right of your screen. I didn't turn on you and become a blubbering Teletubby mindless sack of joy. This is not a Brady Bunch, Stepford wife, or religious cult call of duty to love all things with plastic smiles and comatose brainwaves. No, this is a gentler form of seeing connections and positivity with awareness and creating a love for yourself where there was none.
I have chosen to find myself worthy enough to give myself everything that I desire. To create a space where I can love and nurture my dreams and become the astounding person that dwells within me...that is me. This is not a stroking of an ego, or Narcissus falling into his reflection but a realization and appreciation for this life that I am allowed to live in this moment, in this dimension, in this space and time- to make a difference, create a ripple in this world if for no one else but myself. This moment I am living has been created by my ancestors, by my heroes, by the strength and example they have left behind to be something more, or to simply just be.
I hear the ringing of Roman, our 5'9, dirty blond, curly haired Russian Latin coach wearing my favorite version of his shiny blue polyester pants, yelling at me, "Natili' you must look expensive, you are expensive, look expensive for your audience on the dance floor."
While he meant this in quite a literal way, I will take this on the dance floor as I muster up the strength and confidence to step into my first major competition this week. I will know that this competition does not define me because I already know how far I have come, I already know my worth. I know, that just getting on that dance floor means I have taken the opportunity my heroes and my veterans sacrificed to make this all possible. I will walk down that floor, my expensive shoulders drawn back, my eyes ablaze, my ancestors shadows behind me, bravely choereograping myself as the hero of this story.
