Have the courage to be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, and that means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
E.E. Cummings
Driving down Hollywood on a Saturday night gives one the sense that life is this magnificent inflation of one's ever so delusional ego; and on the same note, a cold awareness of the lonely lost souls of this city somehow undercuts that elated emotion, serving you a bitter hypnotic taste of fabulous LA. Los Angeles is the type of city that promises greatness, fame, and excitement from the dread of being common- of being a "nobody."
Now, don't get me wrong. I love being a citizen of LA. But this acquired high is reserved for those up for the game- the Who's down for whatever game. Whatever taking on the form of dancing, drinking, making out with porn stars, up and coming band members, self-important managers, dancers, actors, musicians, making out with anyone for that matter, drugs, sex, taboo conversations, late night eats and any other irresponsible entertaining behavior you can come up with.
For an individual not to falter, you need to be grounded, disciplined and most importantly have a strong sense of self. This is a hard thing to hold down in an environment rewarding approval for those down to play.
As I walked around the overcrowded club filled with hollow bodies who had all checked their souls at the door, impatient bartenders serving up overpriced drinks, and cheap dresses draped on young women just waiting to whet the appetite of these carnivorous men, I couldn't help but wonder...is LA nothing more than some cheap revision of a raunchy MTV music video, where most Angelenos and aliens to LA have lost their dreams and their souls for self-gratification- filling a void with their bodies and voices and then disappearing into darkness, or was there still hope in the freedom of doing the work we love, living the truth of our individual philosophies and following the journey towards our personal dreams?
Before the eventful club scene, I attended a beautiful union between two young women declaring their love for one another in the glamorous city of Beverly Hills. There was music, dancing, but most importantly we were surrounded by the warmth and energy of love, friendship and support. The reception was inspiring and genuine, a commodity in these parts. I knew, like all the guests of this joining, that we were in the presence of truth, of love, and of emotional vulnerability that comes from a place of sincerity. These two courageous women were declaring their truth and living their personal philosophies.
On the other hand, the club and the people in it were a dichotomy to the qualities mentioned above and as I drove home early the next morning, I thought about how these two events epitomize choice in a land where anything is possible.
Ultimately, it is choice that guides our decisions, guides our experiences, guides our beliefs, guides who we become. What we believe can ultimately shape what we decide to do or not do. It will shape the opportunities we attract or don't attract. It will determine whether or not we can recognize opportunities when they do come along and whether or not we are ready and know what to do with them when they arrive.
I know LA to be my home, a place that holds great promise and excitement for the possibilities that I believe are true for me; and these conclusions come from a place of great vulnerability and love- a love not just created by me, but from friendships and connections, like flowers growing in cracks of concrete, that have pushed me and shown me the light when I was lost in darkness. One of the brides of this lovely wedding, Christina L, took me into her home for a few painful months in my life and inspired me to make the choices that have allowed me to create beauty and live the life I have always wanted to live. To be the dancer and writer of my dreams and to be courageous enough to dream in a ridiculous and grandiose fashion.
For me, doing the work you love means living your philosophy. It means putting your values to work by determining to make what you do, reflect who you really are. Doing what you love is the ultimate freedom and it's always a choice.
The magic of the city of LA is undeniable if you are inspired enough to see it. There are moments where I seem to find myself in places that are dark, fun and irresponsible and those decisions make life complicatedly light-hearted, thrillingly empty, divinely sinful and an array of more oxymorons that tickle the senses . But on Sunday morning, when I take off my clothes from the night before, put on my worn CSUN t-shirt, my favorite cotton grey one with the holes in it, (no other will do), give a kiss to my 4 dogs and 1 cat, pick an orange from the tree in my backyard to make a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice, hear the lulling noises of my families slumbered breathing as I walk down the halls of my home, I know where I have journeyed from, the elements that make me me. I take my breakfast to my room and meditate on the amazing events of my life, the gratitude I have for being allowed another day, and reflect on the dreams that have slowly started to make their way into fruition.
