Rise

The great mistake is to anticipate the outcome of the engagement; you ought not to be thinking of whether it ends in victory or in defeat. Let nature take its course, and your tools will strike at the right moment.

                                            Bruce Lee


It's 3 am and I'm actually sitting on furniture, on a couch and I have a bed! I had been sleeping on a mattress on the floor that my friend Paul and I stuffed into the back of his mom's minivan for over a year now. I believed that my apartment should be empty because I had a duty to spend all my earnings on my path to dance and all things related. But I am now learning to have balance, so that I may have the energy to supply to all my endeavors, and also learning to have patience on my journey, to allow things to run their course.


Needless to say, I have been uncharacteristically MIA from the dance world and down the depths of depression for nine months. I was frightened by the idea of what my efforts had materialized into-and I believed that was not a damn thing. I was eaten alive by the thought of how others perceived me and my dance abilities. I let the voices of my fabricated sinister "fates" whisper, control my destiny and imply future doom that left me exhausted and petrified. I was dead in my tracks.


Success was supposed to be measured by my trophies, victories, the validation, recognition of my talent. But all I could see were my struggles, my empty apartment and no one to blame but myself. I saw myself as nothing but a z-list dancer. So I decided to want nothing and stay pressure free, safe, cowering on the sidelines.


But after some time there was a healthy shift of perspective for me, to challenge a perfectionist way of thinking I had been struggling with my whole life. I realized, it is not in my control to anticipate the outcome of my choices, whether it leads to victory or defeat- that learning to accept and build my sense of self worth was not upon my wins, others expectations, or others praise but on the unwavering belief in myself.


I realized you must value and be kind to yourself no matter how others view you - and that failure must and usually does not change the strength and power of what you are and what you believe you are. It does not change your path- the worst of facing your fears is that you are right back to where you started and haven't lost any ground.


I have a few great voices around me encouraging me that I'm not alone, I am worthy, I am strong and that I can push through. And now, I am starting to believe it myself.  I am feeling the beautiful energy surge back into my life. I have realized that I must use the tools and resources I possess to the best of my ability. I must do my part to take action and prepare for the day I will use what I have been working for.


I'm saving my energy only on positive things that will encourage my success and enjoying the victories of my day to day activities. I have started to go back to my gymnastics classes with a great coach named Sam Stone who encourages my mind to believe that which my imagination could never fathom. I walk into that padded studio among his beautiful students all under 11 years old and each day watch them use their bodies to sculpt remarkable shapes words could never express. It is a space that defies gravity, a place for creating without limits, a dimension all of its own.


So I choose not to give a noodle on whether others accept where I am or not. That is another fact that is usually out of your control. The point is to do your part. Show up. Dream. Believe; not in the victory, but in yourself. In the best of your talents. In what you are able to create with your abilities, in the moment of this space and time. Rise above the failures, learn, love, see the bigger picture, enjoy the ride and take risks - but most of all never give up on yourself. You never know when it will be your time to shine under the bright spotlight.